Sex education is better for everyone: why we should go Dutch

One of the issues which I’ve always felt very strongly about is that of sex and relationships education (SRE). My own sex education began at the age of 10, in primary school. We were separated from the boys and taught the basics of the female anatomy; periods were briefly explained. Another ‘talk’ in Year 7 went into more detail about periods, after I’d already started mine; my first proper sex education lesson was at the age of 13 and comprised lessons in putting a condom on a wooden penis, an explanation of the different forms of contraception, and some information about STDs, complete with graphic pictures. We were also offered a C-card which enabled us to access free contraception. And that was it for the rest of my school career. I was never told that it’s possible to get an STD from giving fellatio or cunnilingus. In fact, oral sex wasn’t even mentioned, despite it forming a key part of many teenagers’ sex lives, including those who have yet to lose their virginity. I was never told anything about female orgasm or ejaculation. I was never told about anal sex, or cystitis, or fetishes, or the importance of not pressuring others into sex. I was never told about the pleasure of sex or about the emotional side of sexual relationships. My knowledge of sex education was patchy at best; Google became my friend for answering my questions, and even then I still made mistakes and had to learn the hard way. One girl I know very nearly didn’t ask for a morning-after pill because she thought that, as a 15 year old, she would get into trouble if she went to the sexual health clinic. She lied about her age and broke down in tears, only to be told by the nurses that it was absolutely fine and that they’d given the pill to much younger girls. There needs to be full and frank discussion about the options available to teenagers who need emergency contraception so that they aren’t deterred from seeking it.

The lack of knowledge and understanding displayed by so many young people when it comes to sex is hardly surprising. A 2011 study commissioned by Brook, the sexual advice service for young people, found that nearly half of secondary school pupils consider their sex and relationship education to be unsatisfactory, while just 6% said they got the information about relationships that they need from SRE lessons. The study of over 2,000 14 to 18-year-olds also revealed that 59% have heard that a woman can’t get pregnant if the man doesn’t ejaculate inside her; 33% have heard that you can’t get pregnant the first time you have sex; and 25% have heard you can only catch HIV if you’re gay. One in four pupils get no SRE in school. Described by young people as “too little, too late, too biological”, devoid of emotions and real life dilemmas, this half-hearted attempt at keeping young people safe and informed isn’t working. Britain has the highest teen pregnancy rates in Western Europe. A third of teenage girls lose their virginity to please a boyfriend, while more than half have experienced unprotected sex. Nor are children being educated at home by parents: only 5% of young people get their information from their mother and 1% from their father.

This stands in stark contrast to Holland, which has Europe’s lowest teen pregnancy rate – six times lower than Britain’s statistics. Its sex education programme is controversial: while schools are free to design their own programmes, some initiatives have included condom demonstrations for 10-year-olds, trips to sex shops for older teenagers, and cartoon videos on how to masturbate. But these practical demonstrations form just a small part of SRE in Holland, which also encourages young people to discuss the emotional implications of sex. Typical debates include reasons to have sex, what to say if a boy refuses to wear a condom, and how to maintain self-respect. On average teenagers in Holland lose their virginity a year after teenagers in Britain, living proof that being more aware of your own body and of aspects and consequences of sex doesn’t mean that you’re going to start having it at a younger age.

Proposals for a more Dutch style system over here have of course provoked outcry from conservative Daily Mail readers who talk in hushed whispers of protecting children’s ‘innocence’ and ‘modesty’. The idea that young children are too ‘innocent’ to learn about puberty is totally bizarre. What about the 8 year old who starts her periods and doesn’t know what’s going on? Why should early developers be made to feel ashamed of their bodies? And how would open discussion of the changes which their bodies undergo during adolescence be detrimental to their wellbeing? Children have a right to learn about sex in the most natural, gradual way possible. SRE for 5 year olds would be age appropriate, as it is in other European countries, and focused around explaining different body parts; relationships with friends and family; and sex and pregnancy.

And why teach children silly words for genitalia? It only tells them that they are taboo and shameful. Asking children to use the proper terms for their body parts also ensures that in cases of abuse they can adequately describe what has happened to them. ‘Penis’, ‘testicles’, ‘vulva’ and ‘ovaries’ are all words which we should not shy away from but instead encourage children to adopt. Young kids are usually curious about babies and where they come from; it is important for parents to be open with their children without overloading them with information. One mother writing for The F-Word was asked what sex was by her son; she told him it was something adults do for fun and sometimes to make babies. He hadn’t asked her about the mechanics of sex, so she didn’t go any further. When he asked how he got into her uterus, she told him that Daddy helped put him there, and when he asked how, she replied, “with his penis”. This is a perfectly adequate step towards the development of a child’s understanding of the way in which our bodies work.

The backlash against sensible teaching methods like this is fronted by the right wing, anti choice MP Nadine Dorries, who recently attempted to pass a bill requiring schools to teach girls (not boys) the benefits of sexual abstinence. Her assertion that it would be safer has been contradicted by a 2007 Ofsted report warning that it may actually increase the risk of unwanted pregnancy and STIs for teenagers:

 ”There is no evidence that abstinence-only programmes as the only education reduce teenage pregnancies or improve sexual health. Research suggests that education that promotes abstinence but withholds information about contraception can place young people at higher risk. There is also no evidence to support claims that teaching about contraception leads to increased sexual activity.”

Even if we give Dorries the benefit of the doubt and assume that she supports abstinence lessons alongside the distribution of information about contraception, it is bizarre that only girls would be included in them. It suggests that they are the ones with a problem. It would be useful if boys and girls alike were taught about positively choosing whether or not to have sex, what real consent looks like, and how sex fits into a relationship. Teenagers should be encouraged to make an informed choice when they feel that they’re ready rather than subjected to a talk on why avoiding sex is the right thing to do, which simply feeds an unhealthy obsession with virginity and purity. They should be given a framework which they can use when deciding whether to say yes to sex at any given point in their lives: how will it make them feel right now/later on? What impact will it have on their relationship with the other person? What are the risks/pitfalls of sex here, now, with this person? How well protected are they against pregnancy and STIs? An ‘empowerment and respect’ agenda, part of the Dutch approach to sex education, would be a far better doctrine than that of abstinence.

Teenage sex is a fact of life. Thousands of underage girls and boys have it each year. The best thing we can do for them is to make sure that they are armed with the information they need to keep themselves safe and happy. Sex isn’t shameful. A more enthusiastic approach to SRE at an earlier age with a bigger emphasis on the ‘relationships’ part would be a positive step towards combatting teenage pregnancy and producing a generation of adults who know how to assert themselves in the bedroom.

“You cannot have sex education without saying that sex is natural and that most people find it pleasurable.”
-Bruno Bettelheim, ‘Our Children Are Treated Like Idiots’, Psychology Today, Jul. 1981